What Happened to That Feeling?


There was a feeling I knew in a different time. I do not know what happened to it, or where it went. Surely a feeling abundant in my youth. No else has told me that they’ve had this specific feeling, it is possible that it was mine alone; I doubt it, but it is possible, I suppose.

It is the summer, hot, and humid – midday. The sprinkler runs, watering the lawn, billowing white clouds dot the still sunny sky. A suburban front yard, seemingly perched high on the top of a hill, but maybe that’s just how I remember, not how it actually was. Thick luxurious grass, bursting with chlorophyll, thirsty for its water, which rains down, in undulating sheets, as the sprinkler oscillates.

The day’s gentle breeze lifts a bough of mist, tossing it in the air, and just for a second, a rainbow. Ever so temporarily, shimmering saturated colors, those colors. Then just as quickly, it’s gone.

Not a care in the world, fully alive running at full speed, leaping though the water as it undulates, side to side, thin jets fanning out. The grass when whetted is slippery and forgiving. A skidding on the knees, that would tear and burn on dry grass, instead, yields easily, slick, causing no harm.

The person waters, the grass drinks, the children run about gleefully – taking in the day, enjoying, just being, alive. Shorts, no shirts, sunburn certain; it would be hard to fall asleep that night, for the hot, tightened red skin, but, not so, because of sheer exhaustion – sleep will come, and will be welcomed. Dreams of what wonders tomorrow will hold may fill the mind.

I don’t know what happened to that feeling. Is it gone forever? Can it be recovered, or is it the sole possession of the youth. They own it fully in their moment, when it is truly and rightfully theirs, however, not knowing, if it will last.

As sad as that may sound, I am buoyed, however briefly, with transient flashes of this distantly remembered feeling reoccurring now – sometimes. It has come, however temporarily, when I am immersed in some activity – maybe drawing, or while playing my guitar, sometimes when swimming a long distance, gliding through the water, as if for my life.

It’s there like a ghost, the feeling – my chest filled with some ephemeral incarnation of awe. Gone, though, as quickly as it came, like that temporary rainbow… but at least I know, it’s within reach, if only for a moment.

That sensation is the feeling of being alive… and it is worth living for.

 

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